On May 28th, 2022, I finally fell in love for the first time. Most people fall in love for the first time as teenagers. I guess I'm a late bloomer. I remember the day, the time, the exact seconds, as vividly as I see the present moment. How can you forget, especially if you have been so lucky, to have a woman tell you she loves you first, before you tell her. Three simple words, whispered In your ear, will feel like a waterfall crashing down upon you. How can you carry on, how can you move, how can you act normal after such a monumental event? The truth is, you can't. You can try, but you can't. On May 28th, 2022, I finally fell in love for the first time. This is my story. It was a beautiful Saturday in Edmonton. We had spent the entire day together, driving around, visiting this place, and that place, the details of which are not important. Up to that point, I would say it was not a tremendously special day. In fact, we had many days like this, where we would drive around, explore, enjoy each other's presence, slowly learn more and more about each other. Like an onion, I could feel the layers being peeled away, and how close we were getting to each other's hearts. There was no expectation, no warning for what was to come. I knew we were slowly climbing the steps towards that lofty castle in the sky where true love resides, I knew we would get there, eventually, and was thoroughly enjoying the journey up, no haste, no hurry, but in no way did I expect that that day, that particular day, I would be getting into a portal that would teleport me straight through the castle gates. As we approached her apartment, I put the car in park. We undertook the usual formalities, of saying goodbye, of sharing a kiss (I remember feeling it was especially intense that day), a kind word. Suddenly, the expression in her face changed to a look of intense excitement, almost like she wanted to shout 'surprise!' and random people would pop up from the sides of the car and join her in the shout. Looking me in the eye, she said 'I want to tell you something.' As she said this, she had opened the door on her side, and unbuckled her seat belt. 'Sure' I replied, wondering what on earth she wanted to say… after all… we had already said our goodbyes. She motioned with her hand for me to come closer, playfully, mischievously, like a child wanting to whisper a secret in your ear, but when you get close, they blow a raspberry right into your ear canal. I obliged, leaning in towards her. She cupped her hands around my ear, and with a soft, slightly hurried tone, said "I think… I love you!" Before I had time to react, to register what had just been said, she was gone. Like a rabbit, she leaped out of the car, ran to her apartments front entrance, opened the locked door and went inside. Only once inside, with the door closed, did she stop and look at me, wide eyed, jubilant and hopeful. Suddenly, her expression changed from one of joy, to one of concern, and even worry. Later on she would tell me that she thought she messed up, perhaps she said it too soon - after all, it had only been around 5 months since we had started dating - and had scared me away. I don't blame her for thinking that, for in the moments where she watched me across the building entrance, through the locked door, what she would have seen was me, sitting deathly still, wide-eyed and bewildered in the car, for a good 3 minutes. Frozen in time as they say. My mind had gone blank, and all that was left was this weighty feeling. An incredible weight was building and building, like a waterfall that was slowly becoming more and more intense. The weight of the words she had uttered, so softly and delicately in my ear, with that careless whisper, was starting to weigh heavy on me, and had rendered me immobile. And so I remained, in that state, for God-knows how long, until I finally, like a man returning from an out-of-body experience, regained control of my bodily functions. I looked at her, she was still there, now looking completely despondent. I shifted the car away from park, didn’t play any music, and drove home. The longest drive of my life. My apartment is less than 10 minutes away from hers. The route is so engrained in me, from so many up and downs, that I could drive it with my eyes closed. That day, upon reaching my apartment, instead of doing the customary right turn into the parking area, I kept on driving. I don't think I even registered where I was, all I knew was that I had to keep driving, it helped me think, helped me feel. I wanted to sit with this feeling more, perhaps I thought, foolishly, that this feeling would disappear as soon as I got out of the car. The eloquent words of Sarah Dessen entered my mind, "There is never a time or place for true love. It happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment." On that drive, I slowly realized, that I was love struck. I finally understood what that meant. I always thought, 'how can love strike you, it can only be a pleasant feeling, like a warm hug.' But in certain moments, love hits you like a truck, like a coconut falling on your head, you don't expect it, you think you may know what it feels like, but until that arrow pierces your heart, until those words penetrate straight into your soul, and alter the course of your life forever, you do not know.
I pray every man experiences this weight once in their life. I thank God, all the gods, that I did.
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